Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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