I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
