We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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