i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
