There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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