The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
