I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
