i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Found your dick twin last night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
