I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
