I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
