nut hugger
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
