Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
