You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
