I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
