Whod you bang
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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