i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
