first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
