she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
