Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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