Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
