Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
