tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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