i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
