i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
