im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
