i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
