Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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