just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
