i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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