Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
