Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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