dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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