There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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