her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
