I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
