Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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