The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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