Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
