I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
