47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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