hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
