??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
