you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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