how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
