I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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