Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
