how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
