we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Did I show you my penis last night?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
