I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I did not marry a roomba.
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