I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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