The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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